We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
