All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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