we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
