Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
