so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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