I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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