Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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