dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
