Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
