Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
