Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
