it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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