There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
