what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
