Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
