I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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