Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
