I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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