Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
