we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
