You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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