you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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