my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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