i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
