I hate your face
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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