well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
