there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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