Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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