After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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