I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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