Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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