I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
