What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
