I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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