The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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