either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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