You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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