someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
