i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
