In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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