Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
