Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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