im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
