Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
