A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
