I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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