so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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