Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
