I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
