Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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