I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
