You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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